Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Top Ten Worst Horror Movies Ever Made!

Throughout the years there have been many amazing horror movies ranging the classics like 'The Bride of Frankenstein' right up to recent ones like 'The Orphanage' but then there are just as many bad ones.

These movies are neither of those things.  Instead, this are the worst of the worst so sit down and prepare yourself for the sheer unadulterated horror of....
How these movies even got made!

10 - Friday The 13th: Part 5 - A New Beginning

What would you want from a ‘Friday The 13th’ movie?

Jason Vorhees right?  A silent, maniacal killer? Then don’t watch this  movie.  I think that’s pretty much all that can be said about this unadulterated abomination of a horror movie.

 9 - The Wicker Man (2006 Version)

The original ‘Wicker Man’ is an absolute classic full of dread and terror running through out the movie.

This version however has a couple of things completely different. Here we have Nick Cage.  In a bear suit.  Punching ladies. And the ‘No not the bees!’ scene that had me crying with laughter. Could you want anymore?

 8 - Wrong Turn 3: Left For Dead

The first two ‘Wrong Turn’ movies were fun and relatively well made horror movies so how they degenerated in to this mess is completely beyond me.

The acting is nearly as wooden as the trees in the forest. Non of the characters are even remotely likeable so when they do die, you're actually pleased that they won't be in movie anymore.

The music is also uniformly awful through the movie and at times, incredibly distracting. While not groundbreaking the picture and sound quality are good although they do struggle at times, albeit the sound fares slightly better. While a couple of the deaths are inventive, the rest of them are pretty much just by the numbers slasher deaths. Another thing that knocked a mark off the final score for the movie was the ending. The sheer amount of continuity that it ruined was amazing. It was a cheap attempt at a twist ending but just made no sense.

The scary thing is that another TWO of these movies got made after this one!

 7 - The Amityville Haunting

After a massive stream of ‘found footage’ movies, I honestly didn’t think they could get worse.  Instead we have a ‘found footage’ version of ‘The Amityville Horror’ only with none of the skill.

Asylum is famous for it's low to no science fiction and creature feature movies with ropey acting and bad direction but at least some of those are an incredible amount of fun to watch. However this movie is awful even by those low standards.

It's dull, boring and the acting is mind numbing in it's ineptitude. Even the deaths are boring and badly done. For a release whose cover prides itself on saying how shocking this movie is, for it to have nothing but boredom makes it even worse!

 6 - Clive Barker's The Plague

When all the children suddenly become comatose with no cure in sight.  Then after seizures and ten years of being in a coma, the children gain super human strength.  They then go on a killing spree after becoming as one.

This movie is also known as ‘Clive Barker’s The Plague’ although that’s a bit of a misnomer to be honest.  He didn’t write it but merely co-produced it.  That said you can definitely see many subtle nods to his themes and over all style.

The writing is definitely the strong point of this movie, which is lucky because the performances are uniformly awful.  James Van Der Beek performs his role completely devoid of emotion or energy.  That would be forgivable if it  was just one person but the entire cast seems to be sleepwalking through the entire movie.

If it hadn’t have been for the interesting premise behind this movie, I would have turned it off after half an hour.

5 - Lizzie

After being quite interested in the urban legend of the Lizzie Borden murders, I thought at the very least this would be worth a look.

I was very wrong.  What we have here is a very badly acted, disjointed and badly written movie with some of the worst editing I have seen in a very long time that results in some scenes looking like they ended too soon and others looking like they ran way too long.

The idea behind the story was one of those ideas that looks quite interesting on paper but the execution is poorer than the Greek economy.

On the plus side though you have Gary Busey hamming it up for a few minutes so you at least have that right?

 4 - King Kong Lives

Let’s face the simple fact here.  The original ‘King Kong’ was and always will be a complete classic of the cinematic world.  The 70’s remake, while flawed was still mostly enjoyable.  Here, something went very horribly wrong.

King Kong is in a coma and needs a blood transfusion in order to have an artificial heart transplanted in to him.  That’s when  a female ape is found and all hell breaks loose.

Yes you read that right.  Big ape.  Coma.  Heart transplant.  Death and destruction.  All done with the added attraction of having Linda Hamilton involved.

3 - Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven (2006 Version)

Lenore has read only the stories and poems of Edgar Allan Poe but is now haunted by a supernatural entity that wants her dead.

That’s pretty much the whole movie right there.  The ending is awful, the acting is painful to watch and in all honesty, the writing is absolutely pointless.

I’m really not sure what the hell they were thinking when they made this.

 2 - Are You Scared?

‘Saw’ had a glut of copycats fly out the studio doors when it hit it’s massive well of success.  Some were passable and others were quite frankly awful.

Any ideas which one this was?

That’s right, this manages to be the worst of all the ‘Saw’ copycat movies.  Believe me, that’s an achievement.

Maybe not one to be proud of though.

Are you scared?  That's the question the movie asked.  Well, yes I am.  I'm scared I wasted £3 on this movie!

And last but not least, the king of the worst horror movies I've ever seen is....

<insert drum roll here>

1 - River of Darkness

A zombie movie starring wrestlers.  I really should have known better really shouldn’t I?

What we have here is quite possibly the worst horror movie I have ever seen and believe me, I’ve seen quite a few.

This movie has three zombie killers who are hardly in the movie at all, actors that really can’t act and dialogue that is read by people that are quite blatantly reading them from an auto prompter and at times, even from bits of paper!

To be honest with you guys and girls, this movie is well deserving of it’s ‘Worst Horror Movie’ that has been reviewed on this site, I just wish I could have those 90 minutes of my life back.

In fact, this movie made 'Alone in the Dark' directed by Uwe Boll look like a masterpiece.  Have you noticed that movie isn't on the list?  Yeah, it's better than these ten.

That's how awful these ones are.

You guys and girls are just lucky I'm here to watch these so that you don't have to.

You're welcome.

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