Sunday, 20 January 2013

The Reluctant Father`

Cyrus and Myself in 2011 but It's One of My Favourite Pictures

The Story of a Reluctant Father: My First Blog Entry

Well seeing as I have been doing this review blog for a while now I figured that I would write a little bit about myself.

I write a lot.  I  write all the time.  I do that for one simple reason and that's because writing is all I have that is me anymore.  That's the only thing that I do for me anymore.

That's because I am a Dad and you know what?  I didn't want to be one.  Thanks to a drunken error of judgement, I was sent down a path that I didn't want to go down but I suppose I should dot the i's and cross the t's so you know what the hell I am babbling about right?

Cyrus, my son, was born on 1st April to an ex of mine.  I went to see him soon after he was born and while he was cute and I was his Dad, or so I was told, I wasn't sure what I felt.

After a while of seeing him once a week and sometimes overnight stays, I met a girl named Ashley on a website that a friend of mine put a profile of me up on.

We started to date and fell in love.  All through this she helped me to become a father not just a Dad.  That's when my ex stopped me from seeing Cyrus.  I don't know if they are two connected things but that's how it happened.

That fateful day went down like this.  I was sat in the contact room waiting for Cyrus and his birth mother.  She marches in, tells me she has a new beau and tells me she want's twice as much money as I had been giving her because she 'has a busy life now with *insert boyfriends* name here' and needs more money.  Obviously I said no.  If it had have been to pay for things for Cyrus, I would have done it but I wasn't paying for her to dance the fandango with her beau of the week.

That was the last time I saw him for roughly 8 months.  During that time I tried to get my life back on track.  I stopped my drinking, I worked hard to stop feeling sorry for myself and I stopped self harming.

During that time, we took Cyrus' birth mother to court to get contact.  That was all I wanted at the time because that's all I could deal with.

Soon after that started, he started to turn up with marks and bruises to the contacts.  I thought that was normal because he was, and still is, a hyperactive little fellow and clumsy too.  That's why I didn't do anything about them

That's when I found out that Cyrus had been the subject of 'Child Protection Medicals' because he kept getting hurt while in the care of his birth mother.  Yet still, I did nothing.  I don't know why I didn't do anything but that decision still haunts me now and I will  always feel guilty about it.  I suppose I did nothing for the simple reason that I thought  the Social Services wouldn't let anything happen to Cyrus.

I was wrong.

During court proceedings, I was working at my job when I got a phone call.  Cyrus had gotten badly burnt on his hand and was going to be placed with me and my partner, Ashley.

Within five minutes of getting home, they were at the door, gave me Cyrus, told me he'd need to go to hospital and then bam.  They were gone.  No help.  No advice.  Nothing.

Luckily I have an amazing family of people such as my mum, my future in laws and my future sisters in law, one of whom named Lucy, turned up with bags of stuff for Cyrus that he little lad had grown out of.  Ashley's mum turned up with a bed and bedding.  Just everybody rallied around and helped.

The court case carried on and I muddled along as a Dad as best I could even though I hadn't wanted to be one.  Ashley and myself really struggled, especially after we received little to no help from a Social Services place that was meant to be there to help.  We lived off the kindness of our family members and our friends.

To be honest, and I'm going off subject here I know, I couldn't have done any of this without any of their help.  Even now, after two years of him being with us I am still majorly struggling with being a Dad but with Ashley's help I have stepped up and tried to do my very best.  I have struggled majorly with my depression and with my moods and yet she and her family have stood by me.  My family has been there for me too but it's been a strain on them because of the simple fact that I haven't been all that good to them and it's caused a few fractures between us all.  My moods and down moments have also battered and bruised my relationship with Ashley.  It's had it's major up's and down's and she has considered leaving me on more than one moment.  You know what?  I don't blame her.  Not one little bit.

At the end of the court case we were awarded custody of Cyrus.  That result was a bittersweet one for me.  While I was happy that I now knew he would be safe and not get hurt anymore, I was sad because I knew that was the end of the life I had.  That still upsets me even now after two years of little Cyrus living with me.  I was just becoming myself, just getting my confidence bcak after years of being in mentally and physically abusive relationships.  I was just starting to like who I looked at in the mirror.  That was down to the love of Ashley and I'll always thank her for that.

Yet now when I look in the mirror, I don't see me anymore.  I see a sometimes reluctant Dad who, while he loves his son, that is all he is anymore.  So I write.  And I write.  Then I write some more.

Sometimes reviews, sometimes stories, sometimes just writing for the sheer hell of it.

I do that because that's all I have that's me and if that is the only road that is open to me anymore I'll just have to live with that.

So I will keep on writing and writing and writing some more.  I mean, hell, what else can I do right?

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